Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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