I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
