I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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