But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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