I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
