My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I did not marry a roomba.
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