I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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