i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
