My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
