We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
