Umm I'm too high to move.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
