Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I know her cup size but not her name....
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
