she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
