oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
