My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
