she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
