you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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