i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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