he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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