i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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