I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
