If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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