It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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