my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
