I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
