My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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