Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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