Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
