So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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