she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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