I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
