My friends, they love my intelligence
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
