she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
