My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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