who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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