Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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