you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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