babies were throwing up all over the place
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
