the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
