I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
