ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
