but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
