Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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