At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
