i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
