remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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