i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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