seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
