So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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