my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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