proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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