i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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